What About the Kids? 3 Steps to Child-Centered Mediation

There is a lot of ground to cover when children are involved in divorce mediation. Beyond the equity, the 401 (k)’s and the insurance concerns, there are the everyday realities of raising a child.

A myriad of issues regarding raising children arise, including who will be taking the child to practices, how sleepovers will be handled (if allowed at all), and how parents will discipline at each house. At the end of the day, most parents want to set up a parenting plan that creates a solid and loving foundation, a foundation that supports their child’s resiliency, growth, and happiness.  

It is SO easy to get lost in the deeply rooted weeds of emotion and exhaustion while in the midst of this transition. It is easy to forget to be child-centered. Infidelity, alcohol use, overwhelming work hours, taking care of aging parents, and all the other heavy realities of life can distract from focusing on the here and now, and can distract from us focusing on what is best for a child.

Whether you are in the middle of divorce mediation right now or will be soon, consider these three tips to help you and the other parent keep your child (or children) front and center.

Bring Items or Objects that Remind You Both of Your Child

Mediators will often ask parents in divorce mediation to bring a photo of their child to the mediation room. If the mediator has not offered this suggestion, ask the mediator if they will allow it! Also consider bringing along a child’s favorite “stuffie” or “blankie” to the next mediation session. These items often elicit strong emotional responses in parents, refocusing parents back to what is most important.

Write Down Your Child-Centered Intentions, Goals and/or Values Before the Mediation Session

What is the parents’ intention for the present mediation session? Setting clear intentions, goals, and values can be a centering practice for each session. Perhaps a mutual goal is to “Create a plan that will allow our daughter to thrive”.

Both parents might even find value in journaling a bit before the mediation, making a list of their objectives for the session. Journaling can provide insight into blind spots, hidden fears, and overarching goals for the mediation. After journaling for as long as it takes, each parent can read what they wrote and reflect. A parent might ask themself: “Are these concerns about me, or my child?”. A parent might also ask: “Why is this issue important for my child?”

Recognize the Difference Between What is Your Need and What is Your Child’s Need

Sometimes our needs directly impact our children’s needs, but sometimes they are simply our own immediate wants. While our needs as parents are important, sometimes our pride can get in the way of making decisions that best serve our children.

If a parent feels the “need” to draw a line in the sand because the other parent pushed them to the limit, is this “need” for the benefit of the child, or is this to satisfy one’s own ego? Being honest with oneself about what is motivating an action or behavior can directly impact the success of divorce mediation. Most parents find “success” to mean they have crafted a plan that will create a nurturing, loving, and peaceful environment for their children.

With awareness, flexibility, and determination, you can keep your mediation child-centered and focused.

*Photo in the graphic cover for this post is by Юлія Дубина

**This blog post is not intended to be legal nor mental health advice. Please consult with a licensed professional for such advice.