My Spouse is a Narcissist, is Mediation a Good Fit?

“He/She is such a narcissist!”

“Narcissism” has come to be a common descriptor in our culture, often used to describe individuals who use people and situations to their advantage, who engage in gaslighting behaviors, and/or who tend to have an inflated sense of self* (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). These individuals may have other distinct traits, such as having a keen ability to manipulate. Because of these traits and certain relationship dynamics, partners of narcissists might feel afraid or unable to stand up to the narcissist.

When a partner feels afraid of or intimidated by their narcissistic partner, they may not be able to make decisions freely- including in the mediation room. When a partner feels intimidated and/or unable to negotiate freely, mediation is likely not the best avenue. This is because unless a partner has an advocate present, such as an attorney, the intimidated partner will not have an advocate to support them during the mediation. The mediator’s job is not to advocate for a particular side. Instead, the mediator’s role is to bring to the surface each partner’s interests, seeing if common ground can be identified and used toward agreement.

For these reasons, many mediators administer initial confidential screenings to determine if both partners appear to be a good fit for the mediation process. These screenings are tools that provide mediators with important information, information that could signal whether the mediator will go ahead with the mediation, ask additional questions before deciding on whether to move forward with the mediation, or deny the mediation altogether.

If someone believes their partner is a narcissist, know this does not automatically disqualify a couple from mediation. While some situations will not be conducive to meaningful mediation, some partners have narcissistic tendencies but these tendencies do not influence their partner’s ability to engage freely in mediation. Each person, couple, and situation are unique.

If you believe your spouse is a narcissist and you are considering mediation, there are a couple of things to keep in mind. One consideration is whether or not your mediator uses a confidential screening tool to help determine fit. You might also reflect on whether you feel you are equipped to go into mediation without an advocate present (if this is the case). You may want to consult with a mental health or legal professional for advice on whether they believe mediation is the best fit for your situation.

Want to learn more about working with Ragen Mediation, LLC? To get started, please email Kelly at Kelly@ragenmediation.com.

*The words “narcissism” and “narcissist” are terms that are often used in our society, but they might not equate to the formal diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Seeking advice from a licensed mental health clinician/professional is encouraged to determine any mental health diagnosis. This blog post is not intended to provide any diagnosis to the reader or to anyone else.  

**This blog post is not intended as legal nor mental health advice. Please seek professional help from licensed professionals for professional advice.

***Photo in the graphic cover for this post is by Stormseeker.

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.). American Psychiatric Publishing.