5 Tips to Navigate Divorce Mediation After the Holidays
Whether the holidays were amazing…or maybe they were not so great…there is valuable information to be had from either experience. No need to worry, we are not going to plan who is bringing the cornbread casserole to holiday 2023 just yet. We are going to share some tips on how to prepare for divorce mediation post-holiday.
1. Take Note of What Worked
The holidays might look different in 2023, and that is okay. Learning what you enjoyed (or what you strongly disliked) about this past holiday will help you plan for future celebrations. Maybe you were stranded in a Midwest snowstorm, and right then and there you decided traveling this far will never happen again. Maybe you and your soon-to-be ex want to have a conversation around how to make future Christmas holidays as seamless and stress-free for your littles as possible. Perhaps designating a cookie-making family day is important to one spouse, while another wants to ensure the family attends a special Christmas Eve service. Wherever you find yourself now, you have a wealth of recent and useful information at your disposal. This information can inform how you mediate holiday parenting time for 2023 and beyond.
2. Engage in Self-Care
The holidays (and the post-holiday “scaries”) are stressful enough without an impending divorce; you need gentleness now more than ever. Engaging in acts that support you will ultimately support your presence and ability to work at the mediation table. “Self-care” gets a lot of air time these days, but what does it really mean? Self-care can mean making it to the store so you can cook yourself a healthy meal, engaging in prayer or meditation, or completing a task you are avoiding so you can have an easier week. Actions of care toward oneself can help you be more present, flexible, and creative at the mediation table, and this is a great thing for meaningful mediation!
3. Turn Down the Noise.
Everyone seems to have an opinion, and even what you are reading right now is an opinion by a mediator. Be discerning with what auditory traffic is allowed into your life, especially around this time of year. The holidays can be filled to the brim with external input, noise, and stimulation. Everyone has a divorce story, a custody story, and a completely different life narrative that informs their perspective. If their stances do not perfectly match your own, allow yourself some space to piece together what plan of action fits you and your family best.
4. Do Not Immediately Fall into the Litigation Trap.
Raw emotions can sometimes lead to rash decisions. The holidays can be especially activating for a variety of reasons. You host your husband’s entire family and yet he never seems to pull his weight when it comes to the preparations-or she is always nagging you and nothing will ever be enough, so why try? These issues are among many that get amplified during the holiday season. You might even be thinking “I have had enough! I am going to destroy him/her in court!”.
Sometimes litigation is the only route. However, it is often the case that bypassing mediation will cost you significant financial resources, impose unnecessary global mental strain, and create an environment of toxic resentment that bleeds over into your family life. Litigation will be there if it is needed, and sometimes it is. However, making decisions for the sole reason of causing your soon-to-be-ex pain often leaves families depleted-both financially and emotionally.
5. Interview your Mediator.
Mediators are as unique as the people they serve. Using your first pre-mediation meeting to interview your mediator is a great way to determine if that mediator is the best fit for your family’s unique circumstances. You may want to even ask if certain holiday-focused issues will be discussed, such as the nitty-gritty when it comes to holiday schedules and planning. What is their experience in this realm? Do they honor what you and the other partner want to discuss? Do they honor what you both want to set forth in your plan, or are they more interested in churning out a boilerplate agreement? Invest time in getting to know your mediator so you can select the best fit before putting down a deposit.
With the holidays behind you and the new year ahead, there are so many possibilities to be had!
*This opinion piece is not mental health advice nor legal advice. As always, please consult with licensed professional(s) to obtain such advice.
**Photo in the graphic cover for this post is by fermate.
