High-Conflict Mediation: Is it Worth It?

You are skeptical to say the least. It has been a rollercoaster with your ex, and you both cannot stand one another. You wonder: how am I going to end this relationship in a healthy way? You also think: how am I going to be able to co-parent with this person for the years to come? The prospect of a respectful, calm and uneventful co-parenting future seems slim.

You may feel mediation is worthless. You just KNOW nothing will be agreed to; talking it out has not worked so far.

However, despite all this, it is important to remember that mediation is a process designed for conflict. It is a type of alternative dispute resolution. The role of mediation is to dig deep into areas of possible common ground (even it seems like there is no common ground!). We are talking about the areas that can be agreed to by both sides for the benefit of the whole family unit. It is the mediator’s job to sift through the “content” to get there. The mediator finds commonality in the midst of the chaos, heartbreak, and mountain of emotions. She discovers the common interests buried deep under years of resentment, frustration and anger.

If you laughed at this last paragraph, I hear and see you. You might think “You do not know him/her… we have NOTHING that overlaps!”. Even though it may seem that way, and maybe on many areas this is true, coming to mutual agreements on smaller items can often lead to bigger shifts in the mediation room.

Many of our disagreements have strong roots in feelings of fear and pride. We fear our children will love our ex-partner more. We fear that our children will build deep connections with new significant others, and that we will lose power in the parenting of our children. We fear a future without our spouse. So, we arm ourselves for a battle that often offers little benefit to ourselves and our children. We spend thousands of dollars in a process that often perpetuates these fears.

However, many high-conflict couples find value in trying mediation and seeing if they can map a future that is agreeable to both sides. If children are involved, both parents usually agree immediately on one thing: their children need to be at the forefront. With this goal in mind, a seasoned mediator will weave this value throughout the process. Without children, individuals focus their attention on ending the relationship in a way that honors their goal of moving forward respectfully, privately, and with the support of a third party mediator.

Anticipate a high-conflict mediation? Contact Kelly by email at kelly@ragenmediation.com to discover how to begin the mediation process.