5 Tips Before Your First Mediation Appointment

What is success in a mediation setting? Every individual has their own definition of what success means in any given situation. However, success in mediation is often experienced when the parents are engaged in meaningful negotiations where their values, beliefs, and goals are both seen and heard. 

So, what are the keys to fostering this kind of negotiation as a parent engaged in the process?  

Five general tips for fostering the right environment in mediation include the following: 

Be Open.

Perhaps counterintuitive, remaining open to possibilities is key.  This may feel counterintuitive to some because they may still be harboring resentments, frustrations, or anger with the other spouse/parent. This is normal! You likely are not together because of differences. 

However, being permanently closed off (or drawing a line in the sand on all issues) stifles the communication needed in the mediation room.  When communications break down, mediation is made more challenging, if not impossible. This is because mediation is an exploratory process for the parents; one in which they both consider and verbalize various options and preferences to better suit their children and life. Remaining open to overlooked or alternative possibilities can positively impact your mediation outcome. 

Emotions are Okay. 

While some lingering emotions can obstruct mediation, remember emotions are normal and are okay! Sometimes, a parent’s underlying interest in a negotiation is unknown to one (or both!) parents. Expressing that fear or emotion can often clarify a position and even elicit empathy and understanding from the other side. Breakthroughs in understanding the other can positively impact the mediation process. 

Get creative! 

Clients and families are unique, holding their own values, beliefs, customs, traditions, and expectations. Cookie-cutter agreements made from templates often cover the basics but do not consider the nuance of your particular family.

For instance, many template agreements do not consider the full range of holidays. Your family may celebrate Yom Kippur, Ramadan, or the Chinese New Year. If so, preparing for the logistics of these holidays will be of significance to you. 

Besides holidays, cookie-cutter templates for parenting agreements often do not consider issues important to many families, such as child cell phone use, sleepover policies, or diet considerations. Sometimes, families require a more customized plan for their child with additional needs, whether that be a developmental diagnosis or a long-term medical condition.

Remember, this is YOUR mediation.  It is okay and encouraged to get creative and address the full range of your family’s needs. Your mediator is there to facilitate the journey along the way. 

Seek Support. 

It is important to remember mediation is not therapy nor couple’s counseling. As mentioned in tip #2, emotions are okay, but this is not the place to work on yourself or work on repairing the relationship. Seek both professional and informal supports as needed throughout the process.

Find a Mediator who Feels Right to Both Parents 

If the couple or ex-couple is in control of who is the mediator, great! There is no reason to hire a mediator you do not feel comfortable with if you can help it. If one parent feels they were forced into choosing a mediator they do not care for, it is likely the mediation process will suffer. Why should anyone start off this way? 

Ragen Mediation, LLC. would love to facilitate a mediation for your unique situation. E-mail Kelly at kelly@ragenmediation.com for further information on services we offer.