Trauma, Divorce & Mediation
According to Bessel van der Kolk, M.D., trauma is our most pressing public health issue (van der Kolk, 2015, p. 358). [1]
Trauma. We hear it all the time (especially in the context of divorce), but what is it? Instead of a horrific event (as we so often think of it) trauma can be described as something within our unique nervous system, which can originate from [emphasis added] something external (Levine, n.d). [2] In other words, trauma is our nervous system’s response to what occurred outside of it.
Children in the midst of their parent’s divorce are at risk for emotional distress which can create the path to current or future mental health issues (Chen, et al., 2021). [3] Divorce has been termed as one of the primary causes of childhood trauma experiences (Chen, et al., 2021).
None of us want our children to endure trauma. At the same time, however, life happens and life often includes divorce. As Dr. Peter Levine says “Trauma is a fact of life” (Levine, 1997, p.2). [4]
So, what is next? Two people who at one time decided to commit themselves to one another in marriage have now decided to part ways. Usually, some level of resentment, animosity, or disdain is present. Couples usually, however, have the mutual desire to shelter their children as much as possible from the difficulties of their divorce.
Lessening the animosity between parents and even improving that relationship can benefit children whose parents are divorcing (Shaw, 2010). [5]
In litigation, the couple begins in an oppositional stance. That stance usually continues, if not worsens, from there. The relationship even further deteriorates. Sometimes what is best for the children gets lost in the weeds of telling one’s story to the judge and making the other parent look horrible. Money is poured into the litigation by both sides, and by the end the “winners” often feel like “losers” as they are emotionally, financially, and physically drained from it all. In some jurisdictions and situations, the children may have to be interviewed by unfamiliar individuals, such as a guardian ad litem, to determine their wishes. If the children are old enough, they may understand they may be deciding who “wins” and who they live with.
All of these negative realities are often blamed on the other parent, which strengthens animosity between parents.
Mediation may be a more beneficial option. In mediation, the parties work on a unique plan for their changing family in the privacy of a mediator’s room or their own home. The individuals engaged in mediation control their outcome. This outcome is achieved through intentional discussion on how to move forward based on both common ground and differences. The parents will usually come to recognize not only their true interests but the other parent’s. While mediation is not for everyone, mediation is a great way to craft a plan for the new family dynamics in a way that is more aligned, meaningful, and even peaceful.
We would love to provide further information about working with Ragen Mediation, LLC and how mediation could benefit your family. Please contact us today to learn more about our offerings.
[1] van der Kolk, B.A. (2015). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. New York, NY: Penguin Books. (Original work published in 2014)
[2] Levine, P. (n.d.). What is trauma? Neurosomatic Psychology. What Is Trauma? - Neurosomatic Psychology
[3] Chen, S., Roller, K., & Kottman, T. (2021). Adlerian play therapy: Healing the attachment trauma of divorce. International Journal of Play Therapy, 30 (1), 28-39. https://doi.org/10.1037/pla0000146
[4] Levine, P. (1997). Waking the tiger: Healing trauma. Berkley, CA: North Atlantic Books.
[5] Shaw, L. (2010). Divorce mediation outcome research: A meta-analysis. Conflict Resolution Quarterly, 27 (4), 447-467. https://doi.org/ 10.1002/crq20006
*Disclaimer: Nothing in this post is intended to be legal advice. The reader is encouraged to consult with a licensed attorney in their jurisdiction for legal advice as to their particular issue or situation. Nothing in this post is intended to be mental health or medical advice. Ragen Mediation, LLC. is not acting as an attorney, therapist nor any other medical or mental health professional. This blog is for informational purposes only.
